Friday Laughternoon with Love Machine

It's a Friday afternoon, it's nearly a bank holiday, there are no volcano problems any more and The Fratellis have split up. Let's all be happy yeah? So just to get you in the party mood (especially bearing in mind that London's premier pop party is but a week away), here are some Grade A, 24-carat incredible pop jokes that we have literally made up ourselves. Don't thank us, just pass them on and brighten up someone's day. We make no apology for including two Justin Bieber jokes, as they are both clearly superb.

Happy bank holiday weekend everyone!

Q. Why would JLS be terrible at running a chain of stores?

A. Because you only get one shop

Q. Why would JLS be terrible at running a chain of stores?

A. Because you only get one shop



Q. Which popstar wouldn't you want to leave alone with your log collection?

A. Justin Beaver

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Q. Which member of the Saturdays goes to the seat of the Scottish parliament?

A. Frankie (goes to Holyrood)



Q. What did Iyaz say when he wanted a measuring implement at a recent R&B singers' convention?

A. Jason! De-ruler!

Q. What do you end up being if you get Ellie Goulding to perform laser eye surgery on you, bearing in mind she's not a trained optometrist?

A. Scarry eyed

Q. Which popstar isn't on Facebook or MySpace, but is solely on another formerly popular social media site which was recently put up for sale?

A. Justin Bebo

Eruptular Spectacular - MGMT album blamed for Volcano Chaos

In a stunning development, Love Machine has just learned that the apparent cause of the Apocalypse-causing volcanic eruption in Iceland is the new MGMT album, Congratulations.

"Basically, he heard Time to Pretend on Radio 1 last year, and was instantly hooked. He couldn't get enough of it, and loved the 1st album," a source close to Eyjafjallajökull revealed today.

"He was so excited about the second record, heard the 'taster' track, Flash Delirium, got very worried about the new direction but pent it all up, and when he bought the album, well, he just exploded. £9.99 for that pile of shit. Sure, he likes Rock, but he likes the (bas)alt end of it, rather than the weird psych stuff with no tunes" he continued.

"He's normally so calm and placid, I mean, he's really gneiss. Never boasts about how old and big he is - he's really magma-nimous about all his achievements, but with this, he just blew his top. MGMT have got a lot to answer for."

Aviation experts and weather reporters are extremely worried about this news. Michael Fish exclusively told Love Machine, "if The Drums album is half as bad as we're expecting, we could be facing worldwide meltdown. Especially if it keeps its working title of 'Volcanoes are totally rubbish losers".

You and whose arm-y?

Odd trends in pop videos #68:







As if Katie Melua's new video isn't surprising enough (and it really is), so's the fact that her new song is actually pretty good. You can save yourself four minutes by listening and watching at the same time here:

A Disco With Multiple Health Hazards...

...is what I would have called it if I'd had my way but Dizzee has gone for 'Dirtee Disco'. Not as original as my title but nonetheless he is back with another party disco anthem, which is sure to be ringing out across dance floors everywhere. Check out the track in the video below, I'm off to clean up this disco. Flippin' panda pops and party rings all over the gaff.



[audio:dizzeerascal-dirteedisco.mp3]
Dizzee Rascal - Dirtee Disco

The new track will feature on a rerelease of 'Tongue N Cheek" alongside 4 other new tracks.

Fact: Dirtee Disco has backing vocals from Daniel Pearce..."WHO?!" I hear you cry. You know, that guy from One True Voice...still nothing...from Popstars: The Rivals...ohhh yeaa him...no? Ok here's a picture



That is all for now.

Let us know your thoughts in the comments section or @lovemachineuk

Easy as A,B,Sea

Marina and the Diamonds has a new single out, called I am a Robot. It is OK, but not accurate as Marina is not a robot (unless she is an exceptionally well made one, and even then, one would think that the inventors would have kept it under wraps a bit, seen how it coped with everyday situations rather than the hurly-burly of the music world. Although maybe they've already tested some out and they've done well, and now they want to show off what they can do (where is this going - Ed?) but anyway)

Far more important than this, is the fact that we appear to have been flooded (aha), by a raft (ahaha) of singers and bands inspired by the sea. Marina and the Diamonds, Late of the Pier....erm, well that's enough for the 1st in a one-part series of: SEA-THEMED POPSTARS. If you don't like it, please don't harbour a grudge (ahahahahaha).

THE PET SHOP BUOYS

MI-SHELL MCMANUS

PAOLO NEWQUAY-NI

AND FINALLY.......THE DOUBLE PUN

TIDE-O CRUISE

A Lean, Keane, Hit-making Machine

We bloody love Keane.

They are proof that sometimes in pop, you can have a weird band set-up (no guitars!!!1!!), not be particularly good-looking (sorry Tom - you have lost weight, but we still wouldn't), be posh (sorry Tim Rice-Oxley), have a personality-free drummer (sorry whatever the drummer's called) and still be INCREDIBLE.

Because what Keane have, dear readers, is tunes. Tune after tune. You can try and deny, and wonder why, but my-oh-my, I cannot lie. Massive tunes.

They have a new EP/album coming out (it's 8 songs) and the first track is out now - called Stop for a Minute (you'll need to stop for longer than that to watch the video as it is over 3 minutes long (this is weak - Ed)). It features a rapper called K'naan (sadly not named after a hilarious horse-tranquiliser/curry house story) and is a bit more hip-hop than we're used to, but it completely works. It is, unsurprisingly, a tune, and features more great oh-oh-ohing - not quite the whoooooahing genius of Spiralling, but close.

Here is the video. It is obviously inspired by Google Street View, so it's quite surprising that it doesn't just feature Tom, Tim and the other one just looking for their own houses.



[audio:Keane-StopForAMinute.mp3]

Keane - Stop For A Minute

Night Work if you can get it

Here is a new song by Scissor Sisters:

[audio:scissorsisters-invisiblelight.mp3]
Scissor Sisters - Invisible Light

Some facts:
- It's produced by Stuart Price
- It's the closing track on their third album 'Night Work'
- It's got a spoken word bit by Ian Bloody McKellan
- It sounds like Thriller and Welcome To The Pleasuredome and Pet Shop Boys and Pink Floyd
- It's bloody brilliant

That is all.

Natalia another thing...

Love Machine competition time: which of the following very surprising pop facts about exciting new pop star Natalia Kills have we made up?

1. Natalia used to be known as Verbalicious, who was behind the brilliant yet unfairly forgotten 'Don't Play Nice':



2. will.i.am signed her to Lady Gaga's label, and she's been reborn as some kind of Gaga/Rihanna hybrid which is quite a handy coincidence given the musical climate and all.

3. She grew up between Florida, Barcelona and Bradford.

4. She is the niece of Lighthouse Family singer Tunde Baiyewu.

5. She once had a recurring role in The Archers.

Answers in the comments please, and £1 off entry to the next Love Machine Club to the correct answer we choose.

If you want a tip, this spectacularly well-connected individual on YouTube might be able to help:



Anyway, be all that as it may, the 'take-home message' is that Natalia Kills is really very good indeed:

Exhibit A: Her track 'Zombie', which has an excellent video and contains the line "Baby all I want is an answer / when I walk past ya / why you gonna act like I'm Casper?"



Exhibit B: A song called 'Activate My Heart':

[audio:nataliakills-activatemyheart.mp3]
Natalia Kills - Activate My Heart

So there you go.

The new Christina Aguilera single: an FAQ

Q: Is it any good?

[audio:xtina-notmyselftonight.mp3]
Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight

A: Yes

Q: Would it be improved by removing all the production and getting it sung by some girl with an acoustic guitar?



A: No

Q: Does it being arguably a slight disappointment mean that music is dead forever?



A: Possibly

So there you go

mflow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Spotify? Old hat. Twitter? Yeah, put your login details in the attic with your semaphore flags, grandad. The future is here (or will be soon), and the future is mflow. Apparently. And we're sharing it with you.

What's mflow? Well, it's a social music recommendation engine thingie - essentially iTunes meets Twitter, where you recommend ('flow') music to your followers for them to listen to or buy. At the same time, your inbox fills up with music - like a Twitter feed you can listen to - from people you're following.

Want to try it out? Well it's invite-only, but like the 'ahead of the curve' 'tastemakers' we are, we have an invite code for you. Just go to www.mflow.com and enter the invite code LOVEMAC You'll be automatically following us, which will basically sort you out with all the music you ever need.

If you don't quite 'get it' (which we didn't at first to be fair), there's a very good introduction here



ps. By probably pure coincidence, M-Flo happens to be an amazing Japanese hip-hop group who no-one except us seems to have heard of. Listen and weep, N-Dubz. Then go and roll around in your piles of money to cheer yourselves up.

Home Hadd-away

Welcome back Haddaway.

Fans of the 'What is Love?' hitmaker will know that he never really went away, but this is his attempt at recreating those early 90s glory days...and he's certainly gone for the 'If It Ain't Broke' school of songwriting.

Q. Does it sound like What is Love?
A. Exactly the same
Q. Is it rubbish?
A. Yes, but it sounds exactly the same as What is Love, and that was/is amazing, so we're a bit confused.

As usual, we look to the comments section of Youtube to guide us through these moments when we need things clarified, so thankyou user marloncalifa:



'I sigh calmly'. Too right Marlon.



Rather spookily, a new remix of What Is Love? also appeared on youtube yesterday - What is Love 2k9 (not quite sure about the thinking behind that title seeing as 2k9 is quite literally 'so last year'). Again, it is basically the same but with some Guru Josh-style blasting synth stuff going on. It once again straddles the terrible/brilliant dichotomy, but it does come with a rather strange moment at 1:56. We'll let youtube user 'iuseshampoo' describe it best after you've watched the video.....

Britney in Shock Rebranding

Oops, she's done it again - Britney Spears has today sensationally revealed a shock new direction as she bids to head off the latest competition and maintain her position at the top of the pop tree.

In a mysterious new move, Britney has announced through her PR that she has dropped her former moniker, and is now to be known as Baby SpearSpear. It is unclear where the inspiration for this has come from.

"Britney just felt it was time for a change of direction after her last album didn't quite connect with the public" said a source close to the star. "She always likes to lead, rather than follow, and take pop music into completely unchartered territory that no-one has ever been in before. Her new single is going to show everyone that she's still the queen of pop"

Upon closer investigation, we managed to  get a sneak preview of the video for her new single 'Porker Face' (produced by up-and-coming artist BlueTwooth) - a stillframe from it is shown below.



Finally our source let slip that Britney is grappling with more philosophical matters on another track from her album, (tentatively entitled 'The Same Monster'). "She's really been getting into ancient European history, particularly the controversial theory that Julius Caesar was not actually murdered, but eaten to death by some mutant invertebrates. She's written a song called 'Bad RomeAnts' covering this topic. It really shows she's grown up from the old days."

Once again, Britney seems to be well ahead of the curve - we can't wait for the album to drop.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor + Freemasons = very good indeed

We love The Freemasons. We REALLY love Sophie Ellis-Bextor. We sometimes slip into this fantasy world where she's our cool older sister, but the less said about that the better. Anyway, it goes without saying that The Freemasons' remix of Sophie's new single 'Bittersweet' is one of the best things you'll hear all year.



Seriously: Heartbreak Make Me A Dancer, Murder On The Dancefloor, Groovejet, Catch You, Take Me Home, and now Bittersweet. Why is Sophie still only a peripheral pop star, instead of having a knighthood and a statue on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square?

'Bittersweet' (Freemasons Remix) by Sophie Ellis-Bextor (dodgy radio rip)
[audio:sophieellisbextor-bittersweet-freemasonsremix.mp3]

Unlike the rest of the internet, we quite like the Eurovision entry

Over the weekend, the winning performance of the UK's Eurovision entry has racked up 1,110 comments on YouTube. We've only read the first 60, plus a couple of pages of Twitter comments, and they're almost entirely "zOMG worst song evaaa??!?!?!"

This might come as a shock, but for once the anonymous commenters of the internet might be overreacting a bit. Consider the following:

- The beginning sounds like 'Better the Devil You Know'
- The middle sounds a bit like Kids In America
- The end sounds like the theme tune to Shooting Stars
- The lyrics of the chorus are like Blame It On The Boogie

Not bad reference points to cram into three minutes.

However:

- Josh does look like a city worker who's just taken off his tie to do a bit of karaoke
- There's no key change

To summarise:

Is it as good as Bad Romance? No.
Is it a solid Stock/Waterman effort (although apparently written entirely by Mike Stock) which is memorable within one listen, isn't going to alienate anyone and is basically a solid Eurovision entry? Yes.
Will it win? No.

So there you go.

Well it's more watchable than Webcameron

People of Love Machine, we have witnessed THE FUTURE! Although we witnessed it on Friday but were a bit busy and didn't write it up until now, so it's probably THE PRESENT by now. Who knows.

To be honest we've not been keeping track of these things so we don't know quite what part of it was the incredible revolutionary bit, but Love Machine favourites MINI VIVA did a half-hour live webcast thing where they sat on a sofa chatting away to the camera. And to prove that it actually happened and they weren't pulling a Sandi Thom, they were responding to questions submitted by Facebook and Twitter.

Yes, Frankee and Britt were doing the modern equivalent of saying "Mr Watson come here, I want to see you" into some kind of trumpet. We 'liveblogged' the event, and it went something like this:

16.31 There they are!
16.36 Over 200 viewers. An advert for a language school in Tokyo has just popped up: 'when keyword matching goes wrong'
16.37 Someone asks "Frankee can we get a closeup of the pattern on your top". It's all gone a bit Babestation.
16.42 Britt: "I like smelly cheese"
16.44 Strange fan ident video. If this was Chat Roulette we'd definitely have clicked "next" at this point.
16.46 Crashed. Boo!
16.47 We're back! "Did Britt forget to put 50p in the meter?"
At this point someone phoned and distracted us so absolutely anything could have happened for the next ten minutes
16.55 Frankee really does have brilliant hair.
16.58 Someone asks, ""A QUESTION FOR BRITT. HAVE YOU EVER ACCIDENTALLY PUNCHED ANYONE IN THE EYE? MAYBE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?" Controversial.
16.59 That's it!

We can't help but feeling that the best popstars have an aura of untouchability - you can't imagine Lady Gaga sitting on a sofa talking to a camera about cheese even at the start of her career - but if fan interaction is what you need to do, this was fan interaction done well. Apparently this is becoming a weekly thing, so tune in next Friday at 4.30 to ask Mini Viva those burning questions. A Love Machine t-shirt goes to whoever can trick them into saying the smuttiest innuendo.

Off the Hook

The new Gaga video, for Telephone, featuring Beyonce, was premiered today.

Now, we here at Love Machine are not prone to exaggeration (Kaci Battaglia's Crazy Possessive was the best pop song of 2009, and was the best song of 2010 until Ke$ha's Dinosaur....and now this.....but we digress), but watching it did feel like some sort of seismic event. Some thoughts:

-Somewhere out there is the sound of Madonna crying herself to sleep. It's still not really apparent whether Lady Gaga actually has anything to say artistically, or whether she's a particularly great singer, but then Madonna never stood for anything, wasn't a great singer but is/was an amazing pop star by channeling the zeitgeist, turning reinvention into an artform and surrounding herself with the best people. Gaga is doing exactly the same, at breakneck pace (this is still technically her debut album remember). The whole Telephone package simply blows anything Madge has done since Ray of Light out of the water; can she really come back again now that Gaga has so comprehensively stolen her position in pop?

-Why didn't we get something this good when Beyonce and Shakira did their song together? Remember we only have our Lord and Saviours The Freemasons for rescuing that one from total disaster

-How many product placements can you get in one song? A lot, is the answer, especially in 9 and a half minutes

-You just don't get videos like this from the Pigeon Detectives do you?

We're off for a lie down, watch the vid below.....

NW MGMT TRCK

"Hi, we're MGMT. You might remember us from such global smash hits as Kids and Time To Pretend. Well hey, none of that shit was our idea. All our old slacker buddies in Brooklyn hate us, even though it was all the record label's fault that they insisted on releasing the listenable tracks from our album instead of the psych-prog weird shit. Selling records isn't cool.

We're no sell-outs. Our new record won't have any singles, and has artwork our buddy did in 5 minutes with Microsoft Paint and a load of acid. Here's our new track 'Flash Delerium' - remember, it's not a single. It's pretty much a jumbled noise, but Fearne Cotton will still have to play it and will probably rave on about how brilliant it is. Now leave us alone and start blogging about some other buzz band - I hear The Drums are pretty dope."

'Flash Delerium' by MGMT
[audio:mgmt-flashdelerium.mp3]

Venus Brill-iams

(sorry)

Here at Love Machine we're not down with the fetishisation of new music. Generally, old music is always going to be better purely because you're still talking about it way later rather then getting caught up in the hype cycle. However, sometimes a new band comes along which is worth writing about straight away, and today's case in point is The Venus Stare.



Once we got over the disappointment of 'Close To You' not being a Burt Bacharach cover, we enjoyed its 80s-ness, and particularly the cheese rock guitar solo towards the end. Then we enjoyed the pastiche video in which a moustacheod man gets literally injected with a bolt of lightning. Then we enjoyed the incredible Fear of Tigers remix (below). Then we visited Fear of Tigers' MySpace page, saw their background image and had nightmares for weeks.

Close To You is being released on cassette on 22 March, which is worth buying if only to remind you how ludicrously impractical it was as a format and how lucky you are to be around now when you can instantly steal buy anything you want without fear of it being chewed up by a tempramental walkman.

'Close To You' (Fear of Tigers remix) by The Venus Stare
[audio:venusstare-closetoyou-fearoftigersremix.mp3]

Goodbye Mr. Q&A

We may have mentioned once or twice that we enjoy the music of The Hoosiers, and we've been known to have stand-up rows with anyone who feels otherwise. So imagine our delight when Irwin and the boys wasted valuable studio time answering our stupid questions ahead of their DJ set at Love Machine this evening. If the album release date ends up getting pushed back, you know who to blame.

Hello The Hoosiers! How are you?

A 3-piece from ... sorry I thought you said "who".

We literally could not be more excited about your DJ set at Love Machine on Friday. What are your surefire crowdpleasers of the night?

Anything by Mogwai and Belle & Sebastian. Nope really - we will tailor our sounds to your poptastic aims. No idea yet though! Probably some Shakira though.

What are your DJ names? You need something to top MC Margaret Scratcher and DJ Shadow Cabinet.

I may borrow my Scottish pal - Andrew McClaughlin's (cunningly nicknamed "Mc" (pron: "muk") of "M.C Mc". Only really works when written down and even then, barely.

When we've finished being excited about your DJ set we'll crack on with being excited about your second album. Please tell us something about it which you've not told anyone so far.

It only took us 3 years to make but that's down to us learning each other's instruments and swapping instruments owing to our wanting a deeper-understanding of each other's work-lives, as advised by our marriage-guidance counsellor: ALL the true great bands have them to enhance inter-bandmember relations.

We were talking about you the other day and our 6 year old cousin started singing Goodbye Mr A. We were very proud. What songs have you been singing around the house recently?

Ahhh, that is delightful. The theme tune from The Flumps for reasons unknown.

Please give us your band projections for 2010, 2011 and 2012.

Scouting for Girls will run the world, aided by a breed of subservient ant they've been working on in between band practises.

Who is your favourite Saturday?

The 3rd May.

Knowing my luck, that's a Tuesday.

Thank you The Hoosiers!

For more information about what's shaping up to be the biggest Love Machine party yet (tonight at The Monarch, did we mention that?) look here, then join the Facebook event here. See you at the bar!

Flashdance (What a Rip Off)

We're all for a few 'cheeky nods', 'references' and 'influences' in pop - after all, there's only so many pop chord sequences and melodies around, a few are bound to cross over a bit.

But Jason Derulo. Come on. This is a joke.

The man with the best facial hair in pop since Craig David has already ripped off Lady Gaga's Just Dance on his current 'smash hit' In My Head, but surely this is too far?.....

Maybe it's just us.....readers, you decide......if you can place the song (in fact, songs) that is/are 'similar' to Sky's the Limit, then email us on the back of a carrier pigeon to the following address:

Flashdance Towers,
Near Go West Street,
Irene Cara will be sueing-on-sea
And so will the Village People Kingdom



And he's bloody stolen the air horn from JLS' Everybody in Love. That really is unforgivable