Shirley It's Time For The New Year

Love Machine is finally recovering from the barrage of enormous roast dinners over Christmas and, as you do at this festive time of year, listened to Pa Love Machine set the world to rights on what 'proper music' is.



As is so often the case, Pa Love Machine turned out to be pretty much bang on with everything.

-The Cheryl Cole album isn't very good apart from Fight (Fight) For This Love and Three Words, which are both excellent
-Paul McCartney is still brilliant live and has written quite a few good tunes in his time (even with Wings)
-Gary Barlow is, and always was, a genius
-And Shirley Bassey's new album, The Performance, is bloody brilliant

In particular, this song, written by Richard Hawley, is an absolutely stunning track - a songwriter with experience and mastery of his craft, and a vocal performance nothing short of breathtaking by ol Burley Chassis. Sometimes you have to let the old gits show you how it's done. Let's all hope we get a bit more pop with this sort of depth and real emotion in 2010.



Happy New Year from Love Machine

x

Merry Christmas from Love Machine!

Is This The Funniest Story of the Year? Oh No It Isn't etc....

Amy Winehouse has been quiet of late, 'working hard' on her new album (much like the Klaxons) so it really is fantastic to see her pop her head up just before the end of the decade which, in column inches at least, she has dominated.

She halledgedly did the following last night:

-Kicked a theatre manager in the groin at a pantomine starring Anthea Turner, Mickey Rooney and Bobby Davro
-Kept shouting 'he's fucking behind you'
-Yelled out 'fuck Cinders, Prince Charming, marry me'
-Called the Ugly Sisters 'bitches'
-Told Anthea at half time, 'I love you, Anthea, sticky-back plastic, I love you'
-Made children cry
-Was carried out kicking and screaming by her two minders

Rumours that she was just upset that regular Prince Charming, Ben Adams of A1, was too ill to perform have not been confirmed.

In amongst the outrage from the tabloids, we really have to point out the following:

-The Ugly Sisters are bitches
-Dionne Bromfield's parents really couldn't have chosen a better godmother
-This story is absolutely hilarious in every respect

Well done Amy and all of us at Love Machine hope you have a crack-ing Christmas

Alicia? I hardly knew 'er

So - Alicia Keys. Maybe it's just us, but we're always surprised when we realise just how huge she is in the US because she never seemed to make it properly massive over here. Mentally we had her chalked up as a bit of an also-ran, but she has actually sold over 30 MILLION RECORDS worldwide. To put it into context, that's roughly more 29,930,000 more than Pixie Lott.

Anyway, as if to prove a point to us (although she surely has better things to do), she's suddenly become very conspicuously incredible.

Exhibit A: A duet with Beyonce called 'Put It In A Love Song'. It starts with "Yo B?", "What up A?" and somehow gets better from there:



Exhibit B: A really, really, really good single called 'Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart'



You think that's bad? Try sleeping with my wife etc etc

Exhibit C: A brilliant piano version of Empire State Of Mind. We're not normally fans of taking a perfectly good song and going all slowjamz, but this really does add something to it.



Well done Alicia.

Girls Can't Catch have a new SINGLE...single...(single)

(See what we did there?)

We saw Girls Can't Catch supporting Sophie Ellis-Bextor and The Saturdays at what was probably the best gig we've ever been to. We weren't, if we're honest, entirely convinced. However, they did play an excellent song called 'Echo' which will - a mere six months later - be their second single.



The official video is quite dramatic (several rungs up from croquet in a rubbish dump) but embedding has been disabled. Why do people do that?

Your cut-out-and-keep Girls Can't Catch FAQ:

Are they 'The New Girls Aloud'?
No, there are only three of them.

When the promotional dust settles are we looking at a Saturdays or Girl Thing situation?
We don't know, but if we were a betting blog we'd say that in the absence of much serious competition they'll probably do ok.

Which is 'the fit one'?
According to YouTube commenters (the voice of reason in our increasingly reactionary society), it's Pheobe. But we can't be bothered to work out which one she is.

So there you go. While writing this articles, we remembered the 'fact' that a duck's quack doesn't echo. A bit of Googling found out not only that the fact is actually a myth, but also that some scientists in Salford have spent way too long investigating with the help of a duck called Daisy.

Best line: "Daisy has been eaten by a fox, but her daughter lives on."

It's A Crime

We don't know who Vikki Stone is but we take our Santa hats off to her for this effort...

One foot in the rave

The return of 90s dance and rave tunes in a new guise is something you'd never have seen coming a couple of years ago (Little Man Tate covering Mr Loverman, anyone?) but makes total sense now it's with us.

Truth is, the early 90s was such a golden age for pop/dance crossover that if you nick the chorus it's very hard not to make a good song. Calvin Harris' 'I'm Not Alone' borrows heavily from 'Madagascar' by Art of Trance, and even Tinchy Stryder's tedious rapping is more palatable when paired with Olive's 'You're Not Alone'.

Dizzee's 'Dirtee Cash' takes the trend a step further by not using a sample so much as playing out the whole of 'Dirty Cash (Money Talks)' by The Adventures of Stevie V and rapping over the verses. As ever Mr Rascal is judging the public mood perfectly: fresh from releasing 'Holiday' in July, 'Dirtee Cash' is the perfect soundtrack to the pre-budget report:



Next logical topical step: Haddaway's 'What Is love' with added sleighbells for Christmas. Make it happen, Dizzee.

Anyway, just when the 90s dance revival was going so well, someone had to go and ruin it by taking a great song and making it all serious and boring:



Candi Staton would be turning in her grave if she was dead.

"I like to be clean cut, with my hair slightly faded in."

Not our words, but the words of Jason Derulo. This is just one important piece of information which we gleaned from his biography on his Myspace. We also found that:

- He is being feted as the new Ne-Yo, because he writes for other people as well as having his own career. Ne-Yo, if you recall, is the new Usher. Taio Cruz is the British Ne-Yo. Ne-Yo has never been described as the American Eoghan Quigg. We'd draw a venn diagram if we weren't so pushed for time.

- He was discovered by JR Rotem, who is a big American producer and not to be confused with AR Rahman, JRR Tolkein or LTJ Bukem.

- He was "raised in a two-parent home in Florida". Is that really so unusual these days that it earns a place in an artist's biog? What's the world coming to etc etc.

Anyway, his single 'Whatcha Say' is really very good. It uses a big vocal sample from Imogen Heap's 'Hide and Seek' which works far better than you might think, and is generally a damn sight more interesting than the RnB-by-numbers which the charts have been overrun with lately.

Well done Jason.

(Back to) Blackroom

Come with Love Machine as we tell you the story of the best band of the last five years (yes, even better than Razorlight) that you've never heard of.

That band had the, let's face it, terrible name of Lorraine, but lo, they were an incredible band. A 3 piece from Norway that sounded exactly how you'd expect a 3 piece from Norway to sound: warm washes of glorious synths, skyscraping melodies, icy synth riffs. They had at least 9 hit singles.

The problem was, they were 4 years too early.

Like Clive Sinclair and his C5, the world was simply not ready for Lorraine (ed-Lorraine were also much better than the C5 which wasn't very good) - for this was a time when the Pigeon Detectives reigned supreme (yes, we'd erased that from our minds but it is worth reminding ourselves what humanity is capable of at its worst). Their record company also didn't help matters by filming a video, the cost of which could have settled several 3rd World Nations' debts and going on an all-or-nothing campaign which, seeing as radio stations were only playing songs with loud spiky guitars in and Borrell and Doherty-a-likes, resulted in nothing being the outcome.

So, they went away, and lo, we have The Blackroom (so named after a fire in their rehearsal room which destroyed most of their equipment). They have toughened up their sound, gone a bit more Depeche Mode and a bit less A-Ha, but they are none less incredible than before.

The world is ready, and the world (well, at least Love Machine and all of our friends) will be at their first London gig at The Water Rats in King's Cross on December 7th. Come join us.

In the meantime, check our their songs on MySpace (there are loads more to come) and here is a little Youtube teaser thingamajig:



11 Days to go........

Love (Machine) In This Club

FYI, the second Love Machine clubnight last Friday was INCREDIBLE. Waterloo, AT8 and Same Difference were all brilliant, and our guest DJs David Oh, Talia and Bright Light Bright Light were a bit too good and have been warned to be at least 15% less good next time to make us look better.

The problem is that it was SO good, The Fly is now closing forever. But fear not - we will be moving to THE MONARCH in Camden for our Christmas Special, on THURSDAY 17 DECEMBER, before announcing our permanent home for next year.

We'll be announcing our December line-up very soon, but until then amuse yourself by checking out the photos from Friday in our Flickr gallery.

Mission District - Lovemachine is loving your work

These boys from Montreal know how to write massive songs. Their new track 'Just Don't Feel The Same' reminds us of late 80's supergroup Electronic (Bernard Sumner, Neil Tennant & Jonny Marr) which is a big thumbs up from us.  

They are in the UK on tour so we are hoping they might pop in for a 'Cheryl' or two tomorrow night at our amazing club night...!

 

Waterloo - Love Machine likes you

We are currently getting very excited about the next Love Machine clubnight - taking place at The Fly this time next week - not least because the marvellous Waterloo are coming along to play some songs for everyone.

Waterloo describe themselves as "the lovechild of The Feeling meets The Saturdays with a touch of reggae thrown in for good measure", which sounds pretty bloody good to us. They have been 'hotly tipped' in various places and happen to be exceptionally good looking, so imagine our surprise when we sent over some questions and they turned out to be pretty damn witty too. But, as our mum always says, can they cook?



Hello Waterloo! How are you?

Luke Juby (Waterloo): Just fine and dandy, thank you for asking... how are you?

We have a bit of a cold actually, but don't wish to go on about it. What is the back-story of Waterloo? How did the band come to exist and what have you done so far?

Well, we all came together through our producers, Topham and Twigg... I'd done some work with them before, Nick had got chatting to Topham (the good looking one) in a guitar store a year or so before and Suzanne waited tables at Hooter's where Twigg (the intelligent one) had a discount card. So that's about it really... except for the bit about Suzanne, that was a lie (but not about Twigg's loyalty card).

Did you disregard Hastings, Bosworth Field and The Somme before settling on Waterloo?

No, but we did disregard Dancing Queens, The Day Before You Came (my favourite), Voulez-Vous and Put On Your White Sombrero

We are very excited about having you along to play Love Machine in November. What can we expect from your performance?

You can expect a tightly fitted top with push-up bra, hair in curlers and I guess what ever Suzanne chooses to wear as well.

How many songs do you have written and ready to roll? Is an album in the pipeline?

133.5, but we're really happy with about 10 so far... you know we could put them all on a CD and call it an album? That's a good idea. It's a pity the whole album concept seems to be dying with digital downloads... a good album is far more than a just a collection of 10 or so songs.

'Sweat' by Inner Circle in 1992. 'All That She Wants' by Ace of Base in 1993. 'Shine' by Aswad in 1994. Would you agree that this was an amazing and hugely underrated period of pop?

Indeed! They are all classics. 'All That She Wants' is a great, great pop song...I'm sure we'd love to have a song where you could mention the title to anyone in any pub in the land and have them sing the tune.

Please give us your projections for 2010, 2011 and 2012.

Aha! This is a question after my own heart. I predict England to win the World Cup in South Africa with South Africa also doing well with the home support. London 2012, I predict that we'll spend a lot of money to find out we're best at the sports we invented that no-one else plays and there to be an unprecedented incident where they put someone through a humiliating public chromosomal test to see if they are a human being or not. What's happening in 2011? I don't have anything in the diary.

Was it a great blow for the band when Eurostar services were moved from Waterloo to St Pancras?

I was actually on the first train into St Pancras from Brussels. They gave us free champagne so... no.

Who is your favourite Saturday?

I'm liking your questions! See, really I know I should try and keep my options open, should any of them have a momentary lapse of standards. I shouldn't burn my bridges. Or maybe I should say whichever one's single to increase my chances as they're all gorgeous obviously? But it has to be Frankie, she's perfect. Or Una. Is this theoretical world based in Utah where I can have two wives?

Thank you Waterloo!

Here is a Waterloo EPK. In case you're not familiar with pointless music industry jargon (see also: rushes, packshots, 'tx' dates), an EPK is a short video in which one member of a band answers questions put to them by an unseen interviewer while the others stare awkwardly at their feet. This is intercut with snippets of music video or live performance. If we ever knew what 'EPK' stood for we've forgotten, but the point is to get 'media' 'on board'.

A new(ish) Lady Gaga track

To be honest we weren't sure about the new Gaga single 'Bad Romance' at first, but we also spent a couple of weeks going around saying that 'Bleeding Love' wasn't that great before its full awesomeness kicked in, so we really can't be trusted. On sober reflection, it is basically everything that made 'Just Dance' brilliant but with at least three choruses. Selfish really, when there are bands like N-Dubz who are eking out the same chorus again and again just to keep churning the singles out.

Here is another new Gaga track, which has either leaked or been made available to get bloggers excited or something, does it really matter these days? At the moment we don't actually think it's very good, but by the time we read this back in January 2010 we will probably have changed our minds and prefer it to Party In The USA, ridiculous as that sounds now.

[audio:ladygaga-alejandro.mp3]
Download Lady Gaga - Alejandro

We have nothing to say about the Cheryl Cole album

Some people will tell you it's actually quite good. Others will tell you it's dreadful. If you read the Financial Times review and the CBBC Newsround review that's the main arbiters of popular taste covered.

All we will say is this: there is NOTHING on the album as good as the Moto Blanco Club Mix of 'Fight For This Love'. There is possibly nothing in the history of recorded music as good as the Moto Blanco Club Mix of 'Fight For This Love', although to be fair we've not got all the way through the latest Paolo Nutini album yet so we'd better reserve judgement for now.

Here is the Moto Blanco Club Mix of Fight For This Love:
[audio:cherylcole-fightforthislove-motoblancoclubmix.mp3]
Download Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love (Moto Blanco Club Mix)

We will be playing it six times at the next Love Machine clubnight.

Snap, Crackle and Popstars

Anyone who is following the still-hilarious Calvin Harris on bloodyTwitter will have seen that this morning he got sent possibly the greatest thing we've ever seen:



That's right - Calvin Flakes. And check out the headphones on the bird thing. Incredible.

Obviously, that got us here at Love Machine thinking about whether this concept could be rolled out into the rest of the world of pop music. Naturally, the answer is yes - Kellog's and Nestle, just send us the cheque in the post.

We give you:

ALPHABEETABIX



SPECIAL K(YLIE)



RICE PIXIES



AND FINALLY...

CRUNCHY NUTINI CORNFLAKES



Brilliant.

We're rockin' our hips like yea. Just FYI.

Remember these guys?



We feel like we know them quite well, having watched this video literally far-too-many times. We've actually given them names and invented back-stories for them, but we won't go into that here. Anyway, we feel that they would definitely approve of this excellent handbag house remix of Party In The USA:

[audio:mileycyrus-partyintheusa-cahillclubmix.mp3]
Download here

OK so it's not as good a job as The Freemasons or Sidechains would have done, but frankly we'll take whatever we can get.

Why can't popstars just make sure every song has a four-to-the-floor beat, funky bassline and plenty of swooshes in the first place, to save people like poor old Cahill from slaving away adding them later? Lazy.

Poor old Basshunter

So, every day you wake up with a hot girl who brings you a cup of coffee with a smile on her face (never quite gets the amount of milk right, but nobody's perfect)...



...you've spent Christmas together with only the slightest tiff when you ate the last Quality Street then snored through the Queen's Speech...



...you're just about to take a break from cavorting with bikini-clad models on a boat to propose to her...



...when there's suddenly one of the most brilliantly unexpected moments in pop video history:



Is this the end of Basshunter's increasingly insane story arc? What precedent does this set for future surprise pop endings? Will we start to see things like Pixie Lott bleeding to death after catching her nails while executing a Pixie Handclap?

Anyway, just when we thought we couldn't possibly love Basshunter any more, we found his version of Jingle Bells:



"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the jingle-bass"

Leighton Meester's new single is very good

The debut single from Leighton Meester is noteable for two reasons:

1. She looks like this:



2. She is one of the stars of Gossip Girl, which is one of those American TV shows about beautiful people having emotional crises which we obviously can't stand but watch with our girlfriend just so we can have quality time together. And if we watch the odd episode on YouTube because we were out, it's just so we can keep up with the plot. And Chuck really is quite dreamy.

Anyway. Against all our expectations, her first proper single 'Somebody to Love' is really quite good. Robin Thicke (who is apparently a famous R&B man in America) supplies the main melodic bit, freeing up Leighton to do a sexy talk-singing bit in the verses which is fine with us. The song slinks elegantly along with a nice electropop groove, and the chorus isn't exactly 'Goodbye Mr A' but is still catchy enough.

Good grief that was a terrible description. Probably best to just listen here:



Oh, and she's already had a leaked sex tape - is there anything not to love about the girl?

We just like the attention, really

Checking our e-mails on the bus home from the first Love Machine clubnight, we were surprised to see we had an e-mail from SyCo Ltd, the entertainment company which keeps Simon Cowell in teeth whitening treatments.

Had he heard already about the success of our Cheryl shot, and wanted to invite us to see her perform on the following day's X Factor?

No :(

The following user(s) have broken your terms of service by uploading copyrighted material they neither own the rights to nor have permission from the owner to distribute and/or transmit. Namely, "Happy" from the album Echo by Sony BMG recording artist Leona Lewis...

Oh.

I have a good faith belief that use of the copyrighted materials described above as allegedly infringing is not authorized by the copyright owner, its agent, or the law. I swear, under penalty of perjury, that the information in the notification is accurate and that I am the copyright owner or am authorized to act on behalf of the owner of an exclusive right that is allegedly infringed.

Much like an ASBO, we are seeing this as a badge of pride rather than a deterrent.

Anyway, we've found a much better version which we really should have used from the beginning:

Our Brilliant Club, A New Brilliant Gaga Track

Well, what a fun time was had by all at the inaugral Love Machine on Friday. Huge thanks to everyone who came down. Some general observations:

-Cheryl was the biggest selling Girls Aloud shot
-The remix of Cheryl's single sounded even better than we were expecting on a club PA and after 10 of the above drinks
-Natalie Portman's Shaved Head (who were a late additon to the line-up for their first UK DJ set) have a lot of electropop remixes, including one genius robot version of ABC by the Jackson 5
-Sound of Arrows and Bright Light, Bright Light were both there and, we can only assume, thought it was the best night of their lives
-Balloons and Party Poppers are brilliant, but tying balloons is way harder than it should be
-Erasure's A Little Respect, after 21 years, is still getting better with every listen
-The new Lady Gaga track, Bad Romance, is going to be pretty big

Speaking of the latter, it is now up to listen to on this fansite: http://gagadaily.com/2009/10/today-bad-romance-radio-premiere/

There is no doubt that Gaga is now in the realms of the properly huge, era-defining popstars, despite, incredibly only having been active in the UK for a year - Love Machine got a text from their Aunt last week:

"Hi is lady gaga the controversial one?"

(The answer was yes)

The last time Love Machine got a music-related text from that Aunt, it was about James Blunt. That's the scale we are talking now.

Bad Romance, one of 8 new songs to be featured on a rerelease of her album, The Fame Monster, is certainly going to solidify her position and almost certainly expand it - it's basically Poker Face Mk II with the Gaga heavy 4 to the floor beat, some yodelling, a rappy verse and a melodic chorus. Well done Ms Gaga.

Huge thanks to everyone who came down on Friday - details of the next one to come very soon........

Tonight's Love Machine clubnight in numbers

100 balloons
1 massive helium canister
200 party poppers
A huge number of sweets
6 hours of music for £3
2 stolen roadsigns
1 Cheryl Cole remix which is so good we can't quite believe it

We've also got the first EVER UK DJ set from so-hot-right-now US crew Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, to whom we mean no offence by billing them below some sweets.

Plus Love Machine DJs and guest DJs Talia (Popstarz) and David Oh (Show Me The Monkey), not to mention happy hour until 10pm and £1 shots all night.

See you tonight!

Knowing You No More - A-Ha

Word reaches us on the pop grapevine (the BBC website) that A-Ha have decided to call it a day after 25 years of synthpopmaking.

The good news is that they have said the split will allow them to pursue "other meaningful aspects of life, be it humanitarian work, politics, or whatever else"

May we be the first to champion Morten as the first President of the United States of Europe.

Obviously we will now be paying tribute to A-Ha at the greatest club night of all time, but for the meantime, as we grieve together, some A-Ha Facts for you.

-Take On Me was originally called 'The Juicy Fruit Song'

-The band's first album, 'Hunting High and Low' sold 11 million copies worldwide. This is 10.9 million copies more than the Fratellis 2nd album sold, and 11 million more than the Fratellis 2nd album deserved to sell.

-The Living Daylights is absolutely brilliant and doesn't get the credit it deserves as one of the all-time top Bond themes. It certainly knocks that Alicia Keys/Jack White monstrosity into a massive Norwegian cocked hat.

SING THAT BLOODY CHORUS LOUD AND PROUD (and check out the synthflute solo)


-A-Ha played to the largest paying audience ever in 1991 at Rock in Rio - 198,000 fans. The combined scream when they all tried to hit the high note in Take on Me is thought to have killed several dogs and initiated the melting of the polar ice caps.

-2000's 'Summer Moved On' features Morten setting the world record for the longest held note in a UK hit song, at 20 seconds. In 2005, The Crazy Frog tried and narrowly failed to beat this record.

Their last concert will be held here in Oslo, Norway, at the Spektrum Arena on December 4. See you there.

And in the meantime, enjoy probably the definitive version of Take On Me:

You Want to Know Why This is so Bad - You Want Love Machine to Show You

On the face of it, Mariah Carey's new version of I Want to Know What Love Is, is almost too easy a target. She's taking on an absolute undisputed classic which will be almost impossible to top. There are rumours her voice isn't what it was after her lamentable X Factor performance last year (nb. does the song really say, 'and I'm gon' fart like a whale each time you let me down' at 1:24?) and she hasn't done a decent song for years.



BUT SERIOUSLY

THIS IS RUBBISH

Incredibly, the overriding thing that makes this cover bad is that it's actually too restrained. Not something we ever thought we'd say about Mariah. If Leona had done this, it would have got the balls out treatment, with 2 key changes, a drumkit from hell and a choir of descended archangels. Mariah's version is insipid and limp, there's that terrible minimal R&B production and her voice, out of her immediate comfortable range,  is just horrible. As ever, let's put it to the Love Machine test:



0:29 Fingerclicks....bloody fingerclicks

1:16 Horrible horrible chorus. She sounds a bit like this (1:37)


2:28 Change this lonely liiiiiiiiiiiaaahhoohahahahahiiiiiife

2:32 WHY ISN'T THERE A MASSIVE SNARE DRUM IN NOW. At least there's a gospel choir

2:58 At last a sort of crap drum kit but it's only got 41 seconds to do anything

3:04 SOMEONE'S GETTING STRANGLED HERE

3:15 AND ANOTHER ONE

3:23 Kettle's boiled

Leona's Stop Crying Your Heart Out had better be preposterously enormous and brilliant, that's all we're saying

Dionne't call me (a) baby

Putting Amy Winehouse in charge of overseeing your child's personal development seems about as good an idea as letting Uffie house-sit when you're on holiday, but it seems to be working out for Dionne Bromfield. When Love Machine was 13 we were busy playing Sensible Soccer on the Amiga and being too scared to talk to girls, but Dionne has just made her TV debut performing on Strictly Come Dancing with her godmother (godmother!) Amy Winehouse.



There's no denying that she's pretty bloody good, but we don't really see the point of putting out a motown covers album. C'mon love keep up, JoJo had knocked out amazing songs like this by the time she was 13:

Pop songs reviewed by YouTube commenters

Social Networking is, apparently, the future - print media is dead, blogs are old hat, and old hats are probably back in style because fashion seems to go in cycles like that.

So rather than reviewing singles, it seems like it would be far more meaningful to pick a sample of comments from the relevant Youtube videos. Let's give it a go.

The Saturdays - Forever Is Over




Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart




Mini Viva - Left My Heart In Tokyo




Brilliant.

Uff and Ready

We've been big fans of young Uffie for a long time here at Love Machine.

For those of you who don't know who the ruddy hell we're talking about, Uffie is a 21-year-old Paris via Miami rapper/singer, who is signed to the so-hip-it's-literally-painful French record label, Ed Banger - home to the godfather of French dance music, Mr Oizo - remember this ? Awesome.



Young Uffie has been around for a couple of years and has divided opinion on whether she is the future of twisted pop and the new Madonna or a talentless scenester who gets attention because she's quite cute, has often filthy lyrics (a la Ms Battaglia) and had a DJ boyfriend who produced her records (she is both).

We saw her at Get Loaded 2007 and she was a bit rubbish but still brilliant and we couldn't really work out why. See the above paragraph.

Anyway, she has finally decided to bring out an official video, but for a song which first came out about a thousand (2) years ago, Pop the Glock. Again, it is brilliant, but terrible at the same time. If we think about it much longer our heads might explode so just watch the video and see what you think......



Do you think the people in the video are full-time cool people?

Can you get paid for that sort of stuff? If you can, then they should be earning the most money and should be ruling the world.

Pop Star Pets - The Gift that Keeps on Giving

After the amazingness of Katy Perry's pet cat Today's Sun via GQ reveals that Robbie Williams has a pet poodle....called......Poopette.

Incredible.

Another one same time next week.

Kaci Battaglia - The Time Has Come

We have resisted writing about this tune until now. Keen followers may have noticed it striding high on top of the scientifically-proven-to-always-be-correct Love Machine for a few weeks. We wanted to wait until there were confirmed UK release details. None have been forthcoming. We can wait no longer.

THIS IS THE BEST POP SONG OF THE WHOLE YEAR AND WE ARE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY OBSESSED BY IT

Where is our checklist?

-Massive sounding: YES
-Vocal performance: HUGE
-Fit but you'd be slightly scared: YES
-Swearing: EXCELLENT
-What Womanizer would have sounded like if Britney had really, actually, properly meant it and still had some hunger (not burgers) left: YES

It needs no further explanantion, just watch it. JUST WATCH IT.



Expect to hear this at least 5 times at the best club night of the year

Get a pound off if you come in that swimsuit (ladies only).

2 pounds off if it's raining

R Kelly is very good at sex

We find the problem with a lot of modern R&B is that there's too much subtlety; too many layers of meaning to be stripped away to unravel the enigma of the artist's poetic soul. No such beating about the bush (not that kind at least) for R Kelly on 'Number One Sex':



"Can't nobody mix chop and screw it like us / All over the living room hittin it like us"

Well R Kelly, ever heard "those who talk about it most do it least?"

At least the girl in question seems to be legal this time. Are we allowed to say that?

Announcing...the first Love Machine clubnight!

I'mma let you finish, but we've just go to tell you about the greatest clubnight OF ALL TIME.



JOIN THE FACEBOOK EVENT HERE!

The first ever Love Machine clubnight is happening at The Fly on New Oxford Street on Friday 16 October, and the third Friday of every month after that. It's a big pop party, with Love Machine DJs spinning two floors of the cream of current and classic popular music: Madonna to Mini Viva, Kylie to Calvin and everything in between.

Love Machine in numbers:
TWO floors of the best pop music of all time
FIVE Girls Aloud-flavoured shots for just £1 each all night
SIX hours of pop, from 8pm to 2am
A LOT of balloons all over the place
ONE free party popper to let off at midnight
AN UNDISCLOSED NUMBER of special guest performances and DJ slots to be announced
and only THREE pounds to get in before 10pm

If you're in London, you cannot possibly have anything better to do on that night. If you don't live in London, maybe you should. If you don't live in the UK, Easyjet is excellent value if you book in advance (but steer clear of Ryanair).

Give us your music requests in the comments!

That Eminem/Lady Gaga VMA award in full...

Eminem: "What has happened to my career. First Bruno's arse in my face, now I'm stood next to a woman with a dress made from a tablecloth over her face and a hat made of crepe paper. Somebody help me. Please. Why didn't Kanye run onstage to save me? Or any other superstar rapper/producer for that matter, although I can't think of any at the moment....."

Gaga: "You forgot about Dre"

Eminem: "Bugger, always doing that"

Gaga: "That's nothing, I forgot to make any eye holes. What an oversight. Or rather, undersight I suppose.  Can you give me a hand offstage, I can't see the way"

Eminem: "This never happened with Dido"

Gaga: "Oh I can't Stan her. Ahahahaha. Stan? Stand? Dido? Stan? Geddit?

Eninem: "If you make another joke like that I'm gonna punch you"

American Lady on left: "Maybe you should just poke her face."

Eminem:  "Somebody kill me"

How the hell can it be the same bloody band then?

We are sure there is much to be written about the historical pop context of bands changing their line-ups. There is probably a philosophical argument to be invoked about what constitutes the essence of a substance, without which it cannot retain its identity.

Ultimately though, it just reminds us of Trigger's broom in Only Fools And Horses:

Best.Headline.Ever

Sightings of Nick Lachey leaving an Acme store are currently unconfirmed.

Anyway, this is a very good excuse to remember Jessica's greatest song and video:



Oh no hang on, this is the right version:

Jessica Simpson: A Public Affair
by ocima7

Nostalgia corner: Mis-Teeq

Alesha Dixon: she can dance, she can sing, she can rap, she's not entirely unattractive. She's probably the pop star Love Machine would most like to take out for a pint.

She was also 1/3 responsible for Mis-Teeq's 'Can't Take It Back' which was all kinds of brilliant. We'd also forgotten just how good the video is.



If you're short of time:
2.23 Bra lands on the head of a judge
2.51 Alisha's brilliant rap
3.00 Anatomical diagram of a playa
3.16 "Hey!"
3.27 Unfaithful protagonist is pwned

There weren't any antics like that when we had to go and contest a speeding fine, we can tell you.

Is the Cheryl Cole single any good?

It's easy to forget that beatifically weeping national treasure Cheryl Cole also has a decent set of pipes on her.

While watching the live DVD of the Girls Aloud 'Chemistry' tour over the weekend (as Love Machine likes doing in its spare time), we remembered that we hadn't yet mentioned her new single 'Fight For This Love'. So to establish whether it's any good or not, we popped the track onto the Love Machine See-Saw and asked a couple of passing dogs to adjudicate as we weighed up the evidence. NB: the fulcrum is set at Alexandra Burke's 'Bad Boys'.



As you (and the dogs) can see, the arguments in favour are clearly more weighty, and therefore the song is officially Love Machine approved. So there you go.

Pixie - She Don't Give a Fuck

Who'd have thought Pixie was listening to Super Furry Animals B-sides when she was 5 years old?

(0:37)


(0:58)



Also, Love Machine was having real problems with this - thank god a tutorial was made:

Visitor - Love Machine Likes You

Right, this is going to veer dangerously close to actual journalism, but stay with me boys and girls.

We heard about a band called Visitor. They had but one song on their myspace, called Los Feeling. It was all very mysterious, but the tune was good, oh yes, the tune was good. They then announced a gig. So Love Machine braved Hoxton on a Wednesday night (we put ourselves in this kind of peril for you, dear readers) and went to see them play live.

Love Machine arrived and saw this on the stage:



And we got very, very excited indeed.

Unfortunately, when 2 men arrived on stage to play, they didn't use it. It belonged to another band. We were quite upset. (note to Visitor: please get one of these. Thanks)

But then the music started, and lo it was good. It was slap bang in the middle of the Pet Shop Boys and The Killers with a bit of Keane thrown in, especially in the vocal department, and as Keane are brilliant, this was a good thing.

Love Machine took one of the best live photos ever during the second song, and was very pleased with themselves but got home and realised it hadn't saved. So instead of a photo of Visitor playing, here is a picture of Jordin Sparks playing live at Universal Studios in Florida.



If you take Jordin, and all of her backing band, and replace them with a mental image of 2 men, one playing synthesizer and the other singing, you can see what Visitor looked like. The stage was a lot smaller too.

Visitor played 5 songs (perfect). They were all good, but the 2 standouts were Los Feeling, which was genuinely goosebump-inducingly epic, and Too Far Gone, which included the line 'It's a Sin' (not sure where we've heard that before), and had a brilliant 'bang-bang' bit before the chorus kicked in. Go to their myspace to hear both of them. It was epic, without being overblown with consistently great melodies, which is what it's all about. Keyboard man played keyboards, sang a bit and got quite excited, particularly when he wore a gold jacket for the last song (note to Visitor #2 - wear the gold jacket for the WHOLE GIG). Singer man sang very well indeed. The whole thing was a definite success, especially as they were on at 9pm sharp and Love Machine was tucked up in bed by 10.30pm.

In a further twist, (journalism alert #2) we decided to send Visitor some questions to answer. Here is what they said:

We saw your performance at Gold Dust the other night, it was very enjoyable indeed.

1. Was this your first gig? And is it true you have 'risen from the ashes' of another band? What's the story?
It was our first proper gig, yes.  We can confirm these rumours as fact.  The story as it were, is that we came to a crossroad.  We realised to achieve what we wanted to achieve, and to make the music we wanted to make, it just had to be the two of us.

2. Are you aware of the bands The Pet Shop Boys or The Killers or did you come up with your sound purely coincidentally?
We're fans of both on some level, however I would say they're just two influences amongst many.  If we literally sound like The Killers and The Pet Shop Boys, then I would say that's a massive compliment, but a coincidence.

3. What are your favourite Pet Shop Boys and Killers songs?
Pet Shop Boys; their cover of 'where the streets have no name' (AMAZING CHOICE - Ed).
Killers would be Jacques Lu Cont's Mr Brightside remix for sure.

4. Which place in the world would you most like to visit?
Mexico

5. Do you think you will do a roaring trade in badges which say 'Visitor' and thus can help people gain entry to places that they wouldn't otherwise be allowed?
That's plan b.

6. Are you considering entering the Olympics in 2012, if yes, please state which activity.
By 2012, we'll not be in any sort of condition to participate unfortunately.

7. Was Los Feeling supposed to be called Lost Feeling and there was a cockup in production, or is it aimed at the lucrative Spanish-speaking market? If the latter, wouldn't it have been better to have done the whole song in Spanish?
Good question.  It was neither. There’s a very good reason why we have
named it what it’s called. Let’s leave it at that.

8. Our other favourite from the gig was Too Far Gone. It is a monster tune. What is that song about? Is it about broken booze Britain and the growing abuse of alcohol in this country?
Too Far Gone is a tribute to confusion and mistake making. It’s about all of us; the very fabric that holds us together slowly unravelling in drunken unison. We're all a little bit "too far gone."

9. How many songs have you got written, ready to roll as it were, and do you have a song as good as Love Machine?
I would say we have 7 more that we are very happy with. We're more or less using our time now refining the album, to make it as good as it possibly can be.

10. Who is your favourite Saturday?
So far this year we have a feeling it will be Saturday on the 12th of September (Follow this up in a week - Ed).

Thank you Visitor, and keep up the good work!

Thank YOU Love Machine!  Vx

This is the new Leona Lewis single

This (this) is the new Leona Lewis single. It is called 'Happy'.

You can of course just listen to it and form your own opinion, but we've fed it into the Love Machine and the analysis is as follows:

1. It is very good. Quite how good will only become clear when you hear it on Radio 1 for the hundreth time and either think "gosh this still sounds surprisingly fresh" as you (we) still do with Bleeding Love, or quickly switch over to Magic where there is at least a 65% chance of hearing a Lionel Ritchie track at any given moment.

2. It starts off sounding like Nothing Compares 2 U, but soon settles into more of a mid-tempo stomp. Aside: Sinead was really ahead of her time with the txt speak, eh?

3. The gist is that Leona's a bit miffed about something non-specific, but really just wants to be happy. Well, don't we all when it comes down to it?

4. There's a bit where she says "don't you love in vain, 'cos love won't set you free". N-Trance would certainly have something to say about that.

5. There's a bit where it sounds like she's saying "this rubber dog's a victim" but it's likely to actually be something else.

6. It's crying out for a key change at 3.18 but it doesn't happen.

7. There is however a great kitchen sink moment at 3.31 where some fireworks should go off in a video or something.

So there you go.

Stream it here: [audio:leonalewis-happy.mp3]
Edit: Removed :(

This Will Either Be The Best Thing Ever or The Worst Thing Ever

It's being reported from various sources that Gary Barlow is working with N-Dubz.

This can only go one of two ways. There is no middle ground here. It is like a deep gorge, with brilliance on either side but with the permanent threat of cataclysmic awfulness in the middle, into which one could fall at any moment. Below is a schematic diagram of the situation we have here.



The Cenozoic Lavas represent the possibility that they could create a 'Walk This Way' for the pop generation - the meeting of hip hop and pop in perfect harmony (don't mention the Sugababes/Girls Aloud version of that song)

The Basement Rock represents the Tom Jones hip-hop album produced by Wyclef Jean.

Together we pray:

PLEASE GOD DON'T LET GARY AND DAPPY FALL INTO THE CANYON. PLEASE LET THIS BE BRILLIANT AND NOT TERRIBLE. GARY. REMEMBER HOW HARD YOU HAVE WORKED TO GET BACK TO THE TOP AGAIN, REMEMBER TWELVE MONTHS, ELEVEN DAYS, IT WENT TO NUMBER 35 GARY, NUMBER 35.

Amen

A General Observation of Katy Perry Brilliance

We're probably late to this, but we feel more people need to know that Katy Perry has a cat. And it's called.......Kitty Purry.

Which is brilliant.

Well done Katy, new album soon please. Or release UR So Gay. Either will do.

Shock News - We Love the new Alphabeat Single

Yes, that's right, do not retune your wireless(internet connection)es. In a completely unexpected turn of events, Love Machine is shocked and gobsmacked to announce that it thinks the new comeback Alphabeat single is brilliant.

A spokesman for Love Machine, in between collapsing to the floor and raising their fists to the sky and praising the mighty god of pop music, said this.

"Yesterday was just a normal day, then I heard The Spell, the first single from the Danish band Alphabeat's forthcoming second album, which I believe is also called The Spell in a display of unequivocable synchronicity. It was as if the heavens had opened unto me as I heard the following:

1. A 4 second introduction consisting of the sound of SCRATCHING A RECORD just like they used to do at the start of songs in the old days (the early 90s) (NB THIS IS NOT ON THE RADIO EDIT ABOVE - those 4 seconds were obviously crucial to avoid the song impinging on Nihal's amazing chat)

2. A whoah whoah whoahing intro from Stine (may the Lord bless her new red hair) - strangely reminiscent of this (0:42)


and this (0:37):


3.  Quality early 90s keyboard vibes

4. 0:55 - CHORUS. BIG CHORUS

5. When is Anders going to sing?

6. Has he been fired?

7. It's OK, he's in - 'can you feel the power working baby girl/I think the spell is working uh-oh' - he's obviously become the shamen of the band

8. Speaking of The Shamen - TUNE:


9. Double chorus to finish. Not as good as the 7 choruses which finish 10,000 Nights of Thunder though. Hopefully the album version will have 8.

10. Fade out on the Ride on Time 'Whoahs'

The Love Machine spokesman then spake: "verily, the Alphabeat single is really good and bodes very well for the album. They have obviously been listening to a lot of early 90s dance records and as that is well overdue for a revival I think it they are bang on the pop money, as it were. I love them more than life itself"

Take a look in the mirror, readers, and ask yourself, are you as good as Alphabeat? I don't think you are.

Important announcement for Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

DO NOT BOTHER MAKING A VIDEO FOR YOUR FORTHCOMING HIT SINGLE 'PARTY IN THE USA'. Someone has saved you the effort, and it cannot be improved upon:



It is almost certainly a very clever 'viral' for some kind of personal video camera thingie, but it frankly does not matter.

Lots of love,
Love Machine.

p.s. More performances like this please:

The 411 - Ahead of Their Time

Yes, it's nostaglia corner, but this is an absolutely massive tune which still sounds fresh today. Throw in a couple of Timbaland bleeps and the formal announcement of Red One (by the 411) and The 411 (by Red One) at the start of the track and it'd be 2009.

If only they hadn't named themselves after the Kingston to West Molesey bus route, the world may be a very different place today.

The Current State of the Mystery Jets

Oh Mystery Jets, you gave us Two Doors Down which was amazing. You gave us Young Love which was alright. Unfortunately you also gave us a load of totally unlistenable drivel. Please do 10xTwo Doors Down on album #3 or just don't bother.

Lots of love, Love Machine

The New Robbie Single - We've Heard It and it's Great

1. It is called 'Bodies'
2. It is sung by this man



3. He is not as fat as he was, but not that thin either
4. It is really really really good
5. The verses sound like Trevor Horn
6. For you youngsters, Trevor Horn is a god, looks like this:



and, amongst many many others, produced these pieces of era-defining pop:



7. The choruses sound like classic Robbie - a bit like Strong
8. The lyrics are really, really good, quite dark and ambiguous and will be bigtime tabloid fodder ("Jesus really died for me"/"Bodies in the cemetery"/"All we ever wanted, was to look good naked")
9. It's not as good as Rock DJ
10. But it's really really good. 9/10
11. Everyone will love it, and hail it as a 'return to form' etc etc, although Rudebox actually wasn't that bad and was actually quite a brave thing to do for an artist of his size, and we heard the title track in the pub the other day and it sounded really good, and isn't it interesting how Robbie got a slagging for that record and Mark Ronson (who produced 4 songs) got away with it?
12. We bet the single after this will be a MASSIVE BALLAD
13. No. 12 isn't really that much of a bet is it
14. But will it be as good as this? That's the question......

15. What a tune that is eh?

Popstars with one letter missing

The first in a one-part series

Lady Aga

Jordin Spars

Kaiser Chefs

That's quite enough popstars with one letter missing.

Can you think of better? Let us know in the comments.

What's happening on Twitter today?

Not much.

Nowt as queer as Falke

We are well aware that this track has been on t'interwebs for more than a couple of weeks, making it officially 'old hat', but it popped up again on shuffle just now and reminded us just how bloody good it is. We reckon Fred Falke could make anything amazing. Someone should let him loose on a Lisa Scott-Lee track and put it to the test.

Gossip - Heavy Cross (Fred Falke mix)
[audio:gossip-heavycrossfalke.mp3]
Download

Police Called Over Leona/Justin Leak

Leona Lewis' record company SYCO have called the Police in after hackers stole the track that Leona had collaborated with Justin Timberlake on .  It has since appeared on the internet and this has really upset Simon Cowell.

Speaking exclusively to Love Machine, Police spokesperson Sgt June Ackland described the crime as devastating.

'It's a real shame that the track has been stolen in this way, causing loads of interest and press around a track that until today no one really cared about.  It is definitely the complete opposite of what Simon Cowell wanted to happen.'

 

 

ALPHABEAT NEWSFLASH

Stine from Alphabeat now has red hair. Repeat, red hair. Love Machine saw her twice today - once in daylight and once in the evening and can confirm that it wasn't just a trick of the light, the hair was definitely RED.

We got the Love Machine graphic artist to mock up a photo of what she now looks like.



They have since been fired.

That Pussycat Dolls Strategy Meeting in Full

A: Right, how're the album sales going?

B: Good but not spectacular.

A: Bollocks, this album cost a fortune. What demographies have we hit so far?

B: Well, When I Grow Up got the little girls who thought it was aspirational and the lads who liked the video (Phwoaar etc).  I Hate This Part got the oldies as it was actually a 'proper well-written song' and Jai Ho got the Asian market.

A: We're missing something. There's a demo we haven't reached. Who is it. Let me think.....IT'S THE GAYS!

B: You're a genius.

A: Right, what's the best song FOR THE GAYS on this appalling album?

B: What about Hush Hush? It opens as a slow jamz so we can have Nicole naked in the bath for the first minute and throw in a Nokia product placement at 0:39, then it turns into thoroughly camp disco. And we've ripped off the backing, sentiment and tune of I Will Survive in a far less classy way than Robbie Williams did with Supreme and the gays love that one.

A: Hmmm...that's good, but we need to really spell it out for them.....

B: How about we tack on another 1:30 of the actual tune I Will Survive, thus telling the gays that THEY MUST LIKE THIS RECORD?

A: That's perfect!

B: How about we really push the envelope and let all 5 of the girls sing a bit? You know, girl power, anyone can be a Pussycat Doll and equality and all that?

A: Don't be stupid. Make sure we get product placements for Hewlett Packard at 1:47 and Campari at 2:01.

B: Will do boss.

Heard rumour that Calvin Harris has got a new album out, can anyone confirm?

Thanks Calvin.

Heard rumour that Tinchy Stryder's got an album out, can anyone confirm?

Thanks Tinchy.

Le Kid are alright

Alternative titles:

Doing it for Le Kid
Great new pop band? No Le Kidding!
Le Kid are goat-ing to be huge



This is Le Kid. There are five of them (judging by the promo shot), but for the video they seem to have foregrounded the two photogenic girls and relegated the others to the odd cutaway and crowd shot. Poor old others. We're sure Jim Corr has a support group they could join.

Here is said video, for their single 'Mercy Mercy'. Don't panic: it has nothing to do with that Welsh bint.



Le Kid are Swedish (like Robyn, excellent healthcare and Anders Limpar) and several of them are writers and producers who're behind hits for the likes of Alcazar, Bodies Without Organs and Agnes. They now appear to be 'cutting out the middleman' and making a fair fist of recording and performing everything themselves. This is not unlike the also excellent Miike Snow, so we only need one more lot of producers-turned-performers before the media can call it 'a movement' and write lots of pointless editorial about it.

Anyway, they are very good indeed we're sure you'll agree.

!!BONUS COMPETITION!! The first person to point out the passing resemblance to (i.e. complete and utter steal from) a certain Girls Aloud song wins nothing at all. All's fair in pop and war, and we're sure the sodding Beatles nicked stuff from time to time.

Thoughts on the new Muse single

1. Isn't
2. That
3. The
4. Doctor
5. Who
6. Theme (again)
7. And
8. It
9. Sounds
10. Like
11. Every
12. Other
13. Muse
14. Song
15. And
16. A Bit
17. Like
18. Gary
19. Glitter
20. And
21. It's
22. Really
23. Boring

Still, at least the album ends with 'Exogenesis: Part 1: Overture, Part 2: Cross-pollination, Part 3: Redemption'

That'll be laugh a minute