Friday Laughternoon with Love Machine

It's a Friday afternoon, it's nearly a bank holiday, there are no volcano problems any more and The Fratellis have split up. Let's all be happy yeah? So just to get you in the party mood (especially bearing in mind that London's premier pop party is but a week away), here are some Grade A, 24-carat incredible pop jokes that we have literally made up ourselves. Don't thank us, just pass them on and brighten up someone's day. We make no apology for including two Justin Bieber jokes, as they are both clearly superb.

Happy bank holiday weekend everyone!

Q. Why would JLS be terrible at running a chain of stores?

A. Because you only get one shop

Q. Why would JLS be terrible at running a chain of stores?

A. Because you only get one shop



Q. Which popstar wouldn't you want to leave alone with your log collection?

A. Justin Beaver

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Q. Which member of the Saturdays goes to the seat of the Scottish parliament?

A. Frankie (goes to Holyrood)



Q. What did Iyaz say when he wanted a measuring implement at a recent R&B singers' convention?

A. Jason! De-ruler!

Q. What do you end up being if you get Ellie Goulding to perform laser eye surgery on you, bearing in mind she's not a trained optometrist?

A. Scarry eyed

Q. Which popstar isn't on Facebook or MySpace, but is solely on another formerly popular social media site which was recently put up for sale?

A. Justin Bebo

Eruptular Spectacular - MGMT album blamed for Volcano Chaos

In a stunning development, Love Machine has just learned that the apparent cause of the Apocalypse-causing volcanic eruption in Iceland is the new MGMT album, Congratulations.

"Basically, he heard Time to Pretend on Radio 1 last year, and was instantly hooked. He couldn't get enough of it, and loved the 1st album," a source close to Eyjafjallajökull revealed today.

"He was so excited about the second record, heard the 'taster' track, Flash Delirium, got very worried about the new direction but pent it all up, and when he bought the album, well, he just exploded. £9.99 for that pile of shit. Sure, he likes Rock, but he likes the (bas)alt end of it, rather than the weird psych stuff with no tunes" he continued.

"He's normally so calm and placid, I mean, he's really gneiss. Never boasts about how old and big he is - he's really magma-nimous about all his achievements, but with this, he just blew his top. MGMT have got a lot to answer for."

Aviation experts and weather reporters are extremely worried about this news. Michael Fish exclusively told Love Machine, "if The Drums album is half as bad as we're expecting, we could be facing worldwide meltdown. Especially if it keeps its working title of 'Volcanoes are totally rubbish losers".

You and whose arm-y?

Odd trends in pop videos #68:







As if Katie Melua's new video isn't surprising enough (and it really is), so's the fact that her new song is actually pretty good. You can save yourself four minutes by listening and watching at the same time here:

A Disco With Multiple Health Hazards...

...is what I would have called it if I'd had my way but Dizzee has gone for 'Dirtee Disco'. Not as original as my title but nonetheless he is back with another party disco anthem, which is sure to be ringing out across dance floors everywhere. Check out the track in the video below, I'm off to clean up this disco. Flippin' panda pops and party rings all over the gaff.



[audio:dizzeerascal-dirteedisco.mp3]
Dizzee Rascal - Dirtee Disco

The new track will feature on a rerelease of 'Tongue N Cheek" alongside 4 other new tracks.

Fact: Dirtee Disco has backing vocals from Daniel Pearce..."WHO?!" I hear you cry. You know, that guy from One True Voice...still nothing...from Popstars: The Rivals...ohhh yeaa him...no? Ok here's a picture



That is all for now.

Let us know your thoughts in the comments section or @lovemachineuk

Easy as A,B,Sea

Marina and the Diamonds has a new single out, called I am a Robot. It is OK, but not accurate as Marina is not a robot (unless she is an exceptionally well made one, and even then, one would think that the inventors would have kept it under wraps a bit, seen how it coped with everyday situations rather than the hurly-burly of the music world. Although maybe they've already tested some out and they've done well, and now they want to show off what they can do (where is this going - Ed?) but anyway)

Far more important than this, is the fact that we appear to have been flooded (aha), by a raft (ahaha) of singers and bands inspired by the sea. Marina and the Diamonds, Late of the Pier....erm, well that's enough for the 1st in a one-part series of: SEA-THEMED POPSTARS. If you don't like it, please don't harbour a grudge (ahahahahaha).

THE PET SHOP BUOYS

MI-SHELL MCMANUS

PAOLO NEWQUAY-NI

AND FINALLY.......THE DOUBLE PUN

TIDE-O CRUISE

A Lean, Keane, Hit-making Machine

We bloody love Keane.

They are proof that sometimes in pop, you can have a weird band set-up (no guitars!!!1!!), not be particularly good-looking (sorry Tom - you have lost weight, but we still wouldn't), be posh (sorry Tim Rice-Oxley), have a personality-free drummer (sorry whatever the drummer's called) and still be INCREDIBLE.

Because what Keane have, dear readers, is tunes. Tune after tune. You can try and deny, and wonder why, but my-oh-my, I cannot lie. Massive tunes.

They have a new EP/album coming out (it's 8 songs) and the first track is out now - called Stop for a Minute (you'll need to stop for longer than that to watch the video as it is over 3 minutes long (this is weak - Ed)). It features a rapper called K'naan (sadly not named after a hilarious horse-tranquiliser/curry house story) and is a bit more hip-hop than we're used to, but it completely works. It is, unsurprisingly, a tune, and features more great oh-oh-ohing - not quite the whoooooahing genius of Spiralling, but close.

Here is the video. It is obviously inspired by Google Street View, so it's quite surprising that it doesn't just feature Tom, Tim and the other one just looking for their own houses.



[audio:Keane-StopForAMinute.mp3]

Keane - Stop For A Minute

Night Work if you can get it

Here is a new song by Scissor Sisters:

[audio:scissorsisters-invisiblelight.mp3]
Scissor Sisters - Invisible Light

Some facts:
- It's produced by Stuart Price
- It's the closing track on their third album 'Night Work'
- It's got a spoken word bit by Ian Bloody McKellan
- It sounds like Thriller and Welcome To The Pleasuredome and Pet Shop Boys and Pink Floyd
- It's bloody brilliant

That is all.