Important announcement for Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

DO NOT BOTHER MAKING A VIDEO FOR YOUR FORTHCOMING HIT SINGLE 'PARTY IN THE USA'. Someone has saved you the effort, and it cannot be improved upon:



It is almost certainly a very clever 'viral' for some kind of personal video camera thingie, but it frankly does not matter.

Lots of love,
Love Machine.

p.s. More performances like this please:

The 411 - Ahead of Their Time

Yes, it's nostaglia corner, but this is an absolutely massive tune which still sounds fresh today. Throw in a couple of Timbaland bleeps and the formal announcement of Red One (by the 411) and The 411 (by Red One) at the start of the track and it'd be 2009.

If only they hadn't named themselves after the Kingston to West Molesey bus route, the world may be a very different place today.

The Current State of the Mystery Jets

Oh Mystery Jets, you gave us Two Doors Down which was amazing. You gave us Young Love which was alright. Unfortunately you also gave us a load of totally unlistenable drivel. Please do 10xTwo Doors Down on album #3 or just don't bother.

Lots of love, Love Machine

The New Robbie Single - We've Heard It and it's Great

1. It is called 'Bodies'
2. It is sung by this man



3. He is not as fat as he was, but not that thin either
4. It is really really really good
5. The verses sound like Trevor Horn
6. For you youngsters, Trevor Horn is a god, looks like this:



and, amongst many many others, produced these pieces of era-defining pop:



7. The choruses sound like classic Robbie - a bit like Strong
8. The lyrics are really, really good, quite dark and ambiguous and will be bigtime tabloid fodder ("Jesus really died for me"/"Bodies in the cemetery"/"All we ever wanted, was to look good naked")
9. It's not as good as Rock DJ
10. But it's really really good. 9/10
11. Everyone will love it, and hail it as a 'return to form' etc etc, although Rudebox actually wasn't that bad and was actually quite a brave thing to do for an artist of his size, and we heard the title track in the pub the other day and it sounded really good, and isn't it interesting how Robbie got a slagging for that record and Mark Ronson (who produced 4 songs) got away with it?
12. We bet the single after this will be a MASSIVE BALLAD
13. No. 12 isn't really that much of a bet is it
14. But will it be as good as this? That's the question......

15. What a tune that is eh?

Popstars with one letter missing

The first in a one-part series

Lady Aga

Jordin Spars

Kaiser Chefs

That's quite enough popstars with one letter missing.

Can you think of better? Let us know in the comments.

What's happening on Twitter today?

Not much.

Nowt as queer as Falke

We are well aware that this track has been on t'interwebs for more than a couple of weeks, making it officially 'old hat', but it popped up again on shuffle just now and reminded us just how bloody good it is. We reckon Fred Falke could make anything amazing. Someone should let him loose on a Lisa Scott-Lee track and put it to the test.

Gossip - Heavy Cross (Fred Falke mix)
[audio:gossip-heavycrossfalke.mp3]
Download

Police Called Over Leona/Justin Leak

Leona Lewis' record company SYCO have called the Police in after hackers stole the track that Leona had collaborated with Justin Timberlake on .  It has since appeared on the internet and this has really upset Simon Cowell.

Speaking exclusively to Love Machine, Police spokesperson Sgt June Ackland described the crime as devastating.

'It's a real shame that the track has been stolen in this way, causing loads of interest and press around a track that until today no one really cared about.  It is definitely the complete opposite of what Simon Cowell wanted to happen.'

 

 

ALPHABEAT NEWSFLASH

Stine from Alphabeat now has red hair. Repeat, red hair. Love Machine saw her twice today - once in daylight and once in the evening and can confirm that it wasn't just a trick of the light, the hair was definitely RED.

We got the Love Machine graphic artist to mock up a photo of what she now looks like.



They have since been fired.

That Pussycat Dolls Strategy Meeting in Full

A: Right, how're the album sales going?

B: Good but not spectacular.

A: Bollocks, this album cost a fortune. What demographies have we hit so far?

B: Well, When I Grow Up got the little girls who thought it was aspirational and the lads who liked the video (Phwoaar etc).  I Hate This Part got the oldies as it was actually a 'proper well-written song' and Jai Ho got the Asian market.

A: We're missing something. There's a demo we haven't reached. Who is it. Let me think.....IT'S THE GAYS!

B: You're a genius.

A: Right, what's the best song FOR THE GAYS on this appalling album?

B: What about Hush Hush? It opens as a slow jamz so we can have Nicole naked in the bath for the first minute and throw in a Nokia product placement at 0:39, then it turns into thoroughly camp disco. And we've ripped off the backing, sentiment and tune of I Will Survive in a far less classy way than Robbie Williams did with Supreme and the gays love that one.

A: Hmmm...that's good, but we need to really spell it out for them.....

B: How about we tack on another 1:30 of the actual tune I Will Survive, thus telling the gays that THEY MUST LIKE THIS RECORD?

A: That's perfect!

B: How about we really push the envelope and let all 5 of the girls sing a bit? You know, girl power, anyone can be a Pussycat Doll and equality and all that?

A: Don't be stupid. Make sure we get product placements for Hewlett Packard at 1:47 and Campari at 2:01.

B: Will do boss.

Heard rumour that Calvin Harris has got a new album out, can anyone confirm?

Thanks Calvin.

Heard rumour that Tinchy Stryder's got an album out, can anyone confirm?

Thanks Tinchy.

Le Kid are alright

Alternative titles:

Doing it for Le Kid
Great new pop band? No Le Kidding!
Le Kid are goat-ing to be huge



This is Le Kid. There are five of them (judging by the promo shot), but for the video they seem to have foregrounded the two photogenic girls and relegated the others to the odd cutaway and crowd shot. Poor old others. We're sure Jim Corr has a support group they could join.

Here is said video, for their single 'Mercy Mercy'. Don't panic: it has nothing to do with that Welsh bint.



Le Kid are Swedish (like Robyn, excellent healthcare and Anders Limpar) and several of them are writers and producers who're behind hits for the likes of Alcazar, Bodies Without Organs and Agnes. They now appear to be 'cutting out the middleman' and making a fair fist of recording and performing everything themselves. This is not unlike the also excellent Miike Snow, so we only need one more lot of producers-turned-performers before the media can call it 'a movement' and write lots of pointless editorial about it.

Anyway, they are very good indeed we're sure you'll agree.

!!BONUS COMPETITION!! The first person to point out the passing resemblance to (i.e. complete and utter steal from) a certain Girls Aloud song wins nothing at all. All's fair in pop and war, and we're sure the sodding Beatles nicked stuff from time to time.

Thoughts on the new Muse single

1. Isn't
2. That
3. The
4. Doctor
5. Who
6. Theme (again)
7. And
8. It
9. Sounds
10. Like
11. Every
12. Other
13. Muse
14. Song
15. And
16. A Bit
17. Like
18. Gary
19. Glitter
20. And
21. It's
22. Really
23. Boring

Still, at least the album ends with 'Exogenesis: Part 1: Overture, Part 2: Cross-pollination, Part 3: Redemption'

That'll be laugh a minute

BEXTOR IS BACK

Sophie Ellis-Bextor. She's like a persistent fly on a summer's day. You keep thinking she's gone, and then back she comes again, with a massive bloody tune in her mouth (the analogy falls down slightly at the end, change it to something better-Ed).

Love Machine was lucky enough to watch an evening of amazing pop at the Roundhouse in London a couple of weeks ago, the strength of the lineup shown by the fact that the 1st lady of British pop was a mere opening act. However, this meant she played just 25 minutes, and crammed the hits in like a big pop sardine tin. Love Machine wishes all gigs everywhere were like this.

However, she did play one new tune - Starlight (thank the Lord God above not a Live Lounge cover of the Muse borefest) - which we believe is a Richard X write. It is Sophie in musical form. Classy, lush and with great legs (this analogy falls down at the end too-don't use analogies if you can't do them properly-Ed).

This video doesn't do it justice but is the best we've found. It is basically appalling. But trust us, we were there, and it was amazing. It was like a Rolo, smooth, life-enhancing and great if you stick two together (you're fired-Ed)



N.B. How good is the bass player's dancing. You don't see that every day

The Love Machine!

We've fed all the pertinent pop data into The Love Machine, and it's computed that the top tunes of the moment are...

1. Kelis - Acapella

2. Sophie Ellis-Bextor - Bittersweet

3. Justin Bieber - Baby

4. Scissor Sisters - Invisible Light

5. Dizzee Rascal - Dirtee Disco

An Avril You Could Take Home to Your Parents

Taylor Swift. Hmmmmm. Isn't she nice? It is an unarguable fact that the key change of at the end of Love Story is one of 2009's greatest moments thus far, and the whole song is the finest exploration of Shakespeare's Lovers since Knopfler and Co. ("You and me babe, how about it?" - Love Machine may use that as a chat up line soon, if she doesn't recognise it, she's not worthy anyway)

[audio:LoveStoryKeyChange.mp3] INCREDIBLE

Taylor's 'new' (has been out in America for a thousand years) single is 'You Belong With Me' which is like a slowed-down Kelly Clarkson track. It is brilliant. The video bears some striking similarities to a certain Ms Lavigne's video for Girlfriend. But who cares as they're both awesome. Taylor seems much nicer, and is almost unique as a pop star Twitterer who can a) spell and b) doesn't talk constantly about Matchbox 20 (saying no names Miley Cyrus). We bet she cooks a mean Sunday Roast. But she wouldn't go on about it, that's just not her style.

Love Machine also loves Taylor because of the very real chance we could have another Neville Neville on our hands, and that would provide comedy gold for years to come.



Gratuitous Link to Girlfriend - WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS HAPPENING IN THIS VIDEO’S PREVIEW FRAME?

Get Sexy - You do the Math(s)

It has come to Love Machine's attention that the Sugababes' move to a more American sound for album number 7 (seven!) may have inadvertantly caused them to fail in the math department.

"If I had a dime, for every single, the boys stop and stare, I'd be a billionaire" coos the delectable Amelle.

If one defines a 'stare' as being a 3 second look, at least, then in order to earn a billion dollars at the rate of a dime per stare, Amelle would need to be stared at for 127 years. That's day and night. And that's assuming she'd stayed fit enough to be stared at for all that time. Even if 5 men were staring at here at each time, that's still 25 years. Love Machine suspects that lyric was not properly thought through. If they'd been realistic and gone for a mere million, they'd have been alright. But oh no.

Still. What a bloody tune eh?

Crikey

Amelle's sorted herself out, hasn't she?

Also, WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD IS HAPPENING IN THIS VIDEO'S PREVIEW FRAME?

This is a blog about pop music

It will most likely be Very Good Indeed, although other pop blogs are available.

We will ideally be the Sophie Ellis-Bextor of pop blogs: classy, surprisingly high hit rate, durable, and with bloody great legs.

Although we might do a Frankmusik and peter out rapidly after a promising start.

Who knows, eh?